It seems that this year, of all years, my holidays have been very unhappy .... There is no tree, no tinsel, no red or green..... no lights, no wonderful smells of pies in the oven, no stockings, nothing. There isn't a fat man bringing joy, or midgets who help, no flying cattle and lastly no red sled to carry them in. The chimes are closed up and the bitterness in people hearts show. I no longer long for that white Christmas, as there is no snow. I did not write Santa for i know he will reply. I put up some things of gold, red and forest green, only to have other people take them down and put it away ..... so my holidays are not a happy ones, and i wish people would stop wishing me a happy holiday .....

oh i forgot toput this with the emo stuf i feel like every second i am home ...

BUt......

At the Highschool Design Expo.... well first of One of my designs won a Award ( its plastic and they used MR. B's laser printer to make them, heck anyone could make one) But yeah the " pieces of me" 4 box Concept thing won for best concept ....

and how messed up is this....

Ok The teacher told the class of um 6 ( including me... and they are all seniors its gonna suck cuz i am the only one with a final) to design a logo for the Expo ....

EVERYONE in the class loved my logo.... and the teacher like one of Dustins.... so instead of using the logo the class voted for.... he used Dustin's on all the posters.... and yeah i was kinda mad... i worked real hard on it and i fel like complaining about it.... the teacher hates me or somehing cuz he gave me a sideways coment on the logo before we voted ...
he said " Shelley, sometimes the things you make surpise me, thats when your focused" and yeah Dustin just made like 5 logos .... not even logos he typed in the words we needed and placed them in a rectangle.... and i made mine from nothing .... I use Arial Bold for the font .... he used a font from dafont..... but i am glad his logo did get used .... just pissed that the teacher after telling everyone the class ( not the teacher) would be in charge of most of the expo....

oh well..... um the expo is stil up in the design room if you want to see the awesome work of all the classes..... my logo is on the Senior name tags..... and thats it ......

Tomorow at school is gonna suck, i have test friday which is in chem... and like my rough daft is due tomorrow and the teacher for design is coming back tomorrow and teaching us InDesign.... I already know how to use the program he just did not give us the details... so i spent the last two days bord in first period lol ..... oh wel i fel like painted some and finshing clothes and cleaning, and my paper and everything else i need to be doing but i thought everyone should know ....

Its unlike me to do that too.... just makes me mad when he says one thing and then its my design so he picks someone else's ..... and then they wonder why i think my designs suck.... everyone i ever do the teacher is never pleased and he grades the stuff.... i did the same type of work at the beginning of the year as now, and my grade has droped while everyone elses has stayed at an A.... Hell i do better work now then the first of the year.... I had an A in design til winter break when me and alex started to talk and then yeah my A went to a B..... and i compare my old work to newer stuf and yeah its like so much better .....

also he got mad at me for making a chart about starving childern in kenya .... he wants us to design a graph .... so i made mine on wel kids dying in kenya and i had a baby who looks so sad and i mean i got the point acros they ned help and people should try to help them some .... and yeah the leader of the expo, told me he took my chart out of the slide show and where does it end up, front row, the frist thing you see.... and idk The whole class ( but dustin) sems to dislike me .... like they will not talk to me... and they call me an emo goth and i mean i can take like people saying my work sinks but i mean they have taken it to a new level... so yeah i am ready to get off here for a bit and finsh my chores so i have clothes in the morning....

um i am gonna get my work from this past year and post it in the few days so be on the loks out !

Ok so if you did not know i have family issues ..... i think they are not as bad as they could be but my father is geting in my head and making me wish i was the perfect person..... He called me up randomly to tell me he loves me .... he has been gone in nashville for like 2 months and then he is the worlds greatest dad when he is not in the room, but when he comes home he tells my mother how i am the screw up.... he blames me for my mother illness.... he is always saying how much he wants me to get a job in chem... yes i love chem.... but i am in love with design .... and i overheard him say that he hopes i get my head out of clouds and try for a real job.... he just does not get the fact designing things makes me smile .... and He is always comparing me to my brother or older sister... and they all are worst of then i am.... And every fight we get into he tells me i am not wanted around here....

and my mother has been doing her bi polar thing.... she is okay with me at first then about two moment later she is bitching at me cuz i did not break my fucking neck to bring in soda.... or whatever .... or she talks to me like i am FIVE! ( she said she would stop, but she stil does it) so i wake up to a bitchy mother who is never happy.... and then i have my father telling his family about how great i am at designing... rubbing the fact i am the only under class men in my design clas and still making an A.... and he tells me how much AI wants me.... but truly he is gonna use the fact AI is in nashville to controll my life more and just get a fre stay.... take my car.... and leave me at my house with nothing to do....

I can not take the stres of not knowing if i have a home... what is left of a home..... if i will come home and my stuf is on the lawn..... or beter yet a note saying " Go away" ....

I am on the fucking breaking point.... I havn't Cut since october .... but thats no later true ..... i hadn't loked at drugs til sunday....

and school is jsut geting worst, the more i try the more i fail..... i am failing most of my classes and i mean i have been trying so hard not to miss anything ..... just wanting to bring my grade up and it seems the more i make up and the more extra credit i do the more my F becomes a F-

And then when i try to tell my mother i feel sad, and i can not think right ... and i just want to disapear and i tell her how i feel she tells me its just inmy head and there is no need to try to get help for it....

I feel like a shadow .... Like i am invisble to everyone..... the only two people who notice me anymore is Samm and marty .... and Samm just uses me so she does not do things alone.... i am her hench man..... and Marty ..... Idk why he even cares .... i really don't

ITs kinda sad when your boyfriends best friend notices your about to just start crying.... and even after he saids something your boyfriend still does not seem concerned ....

I find my self just there at school.... i find tears in my eyes for no reason ....

I kep on having nightmares about dustin... and what he did to me ..... how he made me feel.... how i would come home from his house and just want to cry myself to sleep cuz i did not do what he wanted .... or i did it and felt so whorey .... or he made me.... Thoses memories last in my mind and they are ust coming out.... him calling my fat .... HIM! and then when he would make me blow him... or make me feel so sad and depressed becuz i didn ot feel good and the only thing i would look forward to is having him hold me with my eyes closed..... But sadly enough i do mis dustin, sure he tried ( I thought he was, he said he was joking.... i had markes on my arms and legs from him ) to make me have sex with him..... but i broke up with him after that nigth .... i have never been so scared of a guy before ....

and everytime i talk to him i end up crying and feling like shit ....

No matter what i do it sems like everyone is making me fel so horrible, but Alex ... but he would rather be online watching happy tree riends and Gaia ... and Wow.... then spending time with me.... and i do not mean me watching him play games, or me laying my head on his shoulder and watching the happy tree friends..... i want some alone time, where he has no distractions and i know him he would find some way out of it ... Just today really sucked balls.... and since he was having a good day my mood for the first time in like 4 days when to okay from invisable .... but then gavin hit him in the well you know ... and he was not happy about that.... and if i was there when gavin did it i would not be in school i would of knocked him down..... and i mean i would of decke the little short motherfucker! .... I am one of those loving and caring girlfriends and when one my friends/enemies hurts my Boyfriend.... and i see it or hear about it .... its like when i hear my friend is having problems with someone, first i will calmly talk to them and then slowly start to hurt them as we " talk" if the mfer want to fight fine.... but i mean i try to be there for my friends and boyfriends .....

I just want to scream.... i think i will go do that ..... and maybe me and alex will go out on a date ( our first one) next monday * two months* or something ... i just want to spend some nice time with him with out the whole PDA thing getting in the way and yeah i am gonna go shoot my airsoft gun a few times and screamm and get this out of my system .......

So if you did not know my 18th b-day.... So for this day my friends put a singy thing on my locker, and i got to wear the guy who i am so head over heels for jacket .... all day ..... and then i got to stay the night at my friends house then go to movie the next day .... everything went well till the movie part ....

People at the movie ... Chelcy, Marty, Justyn, Beth, Samm, Jo and Alex .... Sharp .... My pillow ^^

So we get our tickets, and sit down and i get to sit next to alex..... and i got him to let me put my head on his shoulder and put his arm around me .... and that part was nice.. the movie was meet the spartans.... i think it sucked ... i loved some parts of it.. but over all.. i rather of went to that gay brats movie that came out in the last year ....so after the movie... we all stood outside ofr a good 10 mins, til half the group wanted food and the other half did not .... but the problem was Alex could not leave the movie place cuz he was being picked up at 7:30.... it was 7: 00 when the movie ended .... so i did not want to leave Alex there by himself... so i staied back while everyone went to taco bell.... ( note i was the walet, i had the money.... i stayed ...) so we just were hanging around, Alex finally met Jo.... and i got a knife ... so we hung out for like 10 more minutes til i think we started to freak him out some ... and he wanted to go home faster.... so he called ....

so as we waited for his parent.... justyn and marty and beth come back, i gave them 10$ for food... Alex says i gave them 9 $ ... i did not care... i still do not .... and then the drama of hanging in a big group people started to happen.... and Alex left....

So then this s where my great birthday turned bad ... marty and chelc got in to it, or something, justyn and beth left, and then i was a 3rd wheel at my own party .... everyone was with thier bf or gf .... and i had no one .... And from that feeling of being the only single person there....

So then after wa mart and chelcy and marty left .... and sam and jo, i ended my birthday in tars out side of books..... and then my mother was bitching about everthing ot me, and when i told her i was sorry to hear it she got mad and started yelling at me in the car ...

so it went from one of the best days in my life, so far, ( marty's birthday party was the best so far) to tears in a public place .....

at least i am geting a Zune for my gift from my parents i want it now but the store is out of them....

..... ok so here is my life update for anyone who cares ...

So i am still single, but that may change soon, i found out this guy who i have been crushing on since nov. is thinking about asking me out.... i asked him out back in nov. and he said no, so now i am here with a ton of questions, like why the change in his mind? eh i doubt he will do it but he told my best friend , who scares him cuz she is just weird, so that makes me want to beleive he may do it ... and just incase you go to my school and know me.... he is the blonde guy i am always with ....

so i am stuck here thinking " Will he do it" and yeah..... he will be like the first true boyfriend i dated at my school, i do not date guys from the school cuz they are douches .... so yeah idk.... i am just scared it will not work out and end badly

oh if you guys care my b-day is on the 8th of febuary, i am debating if i want to party or not ....